My Struggle

Jeff and the kids went to his parents for the weekend which leaves me all alone in the house. I had grand plans to organize EVERYTHING but I spent most of the day just vegging in front of the t.v. I'll have to double time it tomorrow but I needed a day of nothingness. A day of nothingness leaves me with just my thoughts and lots of time to think. Today I was thinking how MAD I was about Ty's having diabetes and how unfair it all seemed. In reality he is being a trooper about it all, but at the same time some discipline issue and outbursts are also becoming more frequent. It's just so unfair at a age where he is starting to be more independent, I was letting him have more freedoms (ok. he's only 5.. but seriously the kid can take care of himself) BUT now that's all changed and I have to pull him back up under my wings. I'm just MAD..MAD for his sake. I know he has got to be frustrated by it all...finger sticks 6-8 times a day, injections 3 times a day, not getting to eat sweets at his school parties like his classmates, having to eat on schedule vs. when he's hungry/ not hungry, counting carbs for EVERYTHING, playing hard like a kid and as a result feeling horrible b/c it runs his blood sugar down (Last weekend we went to the park after about 30 minutes he was feeling bad and laid down in the middle of a game of chase...sure enough his blood sugar was at his all time low, with some juice he was up and running again in 10 minutes). I'm just MAD. MAD for him because he doesn't have a clue what all of this means in the long-run. MAD that he has to have such a LIFE changing event at FIVE years old. I know I'm dealing with my own cycle of grief over all of this, but it's in no particular order. I've been though the shock, depression, acceptance, and anger all at random times... For most of the week I've been in acceptance of all this, but today I am just angry. It's not like anything I've had to deal with. There's no recovery period no remission phase, it's the REST of his life. My brain wants an end point, a spot to focus on so I can get through the dark tunnel. For example when Ava was sick, throwing up, and running a high fever it was no big deal because I knew in a matter of hours-days she would be fine, this too shall pass. But it's not true with diabetes, there is NOTHING I can do to fix him. Yes, it is "manageable" but do you know all the back-work that goes into making it manageable? Right now it is a constant mental thought process to fix and plan meals. I haven't even really ventured into making a dish or cooking a casserole..that's alot of work to do the carb count on all the ingredients then divide it by "X" amount of serving. Typing it out now, it doesn't seem all that difficult but seriously to have to do that 3 times a day. Then there's the issue of how much activity he is going to do and how it will effect his blood sugar, the 2am blood sugar checks and at what point should I give him some sugar in the middle of night. The night time is the scariest time for me and I've lost alot of sleep over it. During this ealry phase of diagnosis he is in what's called a "honeymoon" phase. Once his sugars get in the normal levels his body will release reserves of insulin, especially at night when he is resting. With his nightly injection shot and then his body releasing it's own insulin he could get so low that one morning I might not be able to wake him up. I have an EMERGENCY medcine pen (similar to an Epi-pen) that I've been taught to use in this situation to keep him from slipping into a coma. Just the fact that I might have to use it some day is distrubing enough to make me lose sleep at night.

Diabetes, carbs, and insulin it's not an exact science. I hate that..I want a THE formula I can use so his blood sugar will always stay in the target range. It NEEDS to stay in the target range so that I can reduce his chance for complication later in life. Everyone has told me NOT to get obsessed with the numbers, and I know I should not get obsessed with the NUMBERS but when Jeff just called to say his blood sugar was 376 (for no apparent reason) I get frustrated with the numbers.

I'm struggling as a mom to handle all of this with my other kids, mainly Ava. She's stuck in the middle. She's already had to be pushed to the side for Ali and all her immediate baby needs. Now Ty is requiring alot of attention and immediate needs. Last weekend Ty experienced his first "lows." We were driving in the car and he said his stomach hurt, after checking his blood sugar we realized he was low, he wanted a sprite so Jeff immediately stopped the car and went into a gas station and got him a sprite (He and Ava shared it). The next day after church Ava said her head hurt. She wanted Jeff to pull over at a gas station and get her a sprite. We did. I know she just wanted a Sprite, but in her little 2 year old mind I don't want her to feel less loved because Ty gets our immediate attention when he doesn't feel well. I know she has her own issues arising from all this immediate attention Ty is getting. Last night she wanted to get her finger pricked too. Come on what kid is WANTING to have this happen? A kid that is needing more attention. (She's had it done before this, so yes she did know it hurt.) It's a tough juggling act to keep it "fair" between them. Since Ty can't have candy, neither of them get it. Every time it's time for a snack, Ava gets to pick one out too (she usually picks the cookies, while Ty picks something more filling). I've started to watch the my neighbors children 3month old and a 8 year old boy. I watch the older boy for an hour before school and then an hour after school. On Friday when they came from they both dumped out all their Valentines goody bags. The other boy asked if he could have some chocolate, at first I said yes, then Ty chimed in, "that's not fair!" I quickly changed my mind and told him to save it for when he got home. Ty's right that's not fair, and as long as I can help it I'm going to try to make my house a fair zone, everybody is on the diabetes diet (at least when Ty is around).

Maybe sometime I will post about something that has nothing to do with diabetes, but for now it's consumed my thoughts. I know there are worse diagnosis out there, debilitating and life altering...but tonight I'm taking my big girl pants off and I'm just going to be MAD.